I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
This will never not be funny to me.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Guilty! 🤪
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf