Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.