Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
next level snooze
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…