How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
so this horse walks into a bar
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.