two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex