My diet starts in January
of 2027
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I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great