If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
You Might Also Like
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.