Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
had to share :’)
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.