I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.