Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
had to share :’)
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.