Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Grandmother clock.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.