Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
You know…for fall…
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.