Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.