Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
can’t catch a break
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
🤯🤯🤯
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.