[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you