My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Great acting.. 😂
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me