There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done