My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Good point.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot