You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I want what they have
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.