her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.