If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
The days of good grammer has went
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”