Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”