I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Strangers have the best candy.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.