All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
#parenting
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs