Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My sex drive has a dui
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.