I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.