barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Selfie
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: