One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I love the honesty
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Thursday Thought.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.