[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
それは草
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!