GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”