Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
You Might Also Like
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
just got my engagement photos
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.