Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL