“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.