Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore