Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?