She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.