The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
You Might Also Like
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)