Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder