I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?