Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.