*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?