They’re stuck in your pants?
You Might Also Like
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I can also cook 😂
What
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”