I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.