God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
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“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”