You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
two people or more is called a problem
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.