Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet