The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
New mindset, who dis?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.