[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.