ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
crazy
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.