Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.